Mole diaries

I'd never had a problem with moles before, living in town but, out here in the sticks, things are a bit different.

The first year that we had the house, we had mole hills everywhere and didn't know what to do about it. I didn't think that it would be too much of a problem, I just thought that I could clear away the molehills and that would be that. What I didn't realise was that the moles kill all of the grass roots under the molehills, leading to loads of round bald patches all over the lawn.

A bloke I worked ( codename Diggers) with used to be a gamekeeper and he volunteered to sort it out in exchange for some free accommodation. I bought some traps, and sent him on his way. His controversial diaries about his failure read like the 'Heart of Darkness' of gardening. Here are some horrifying extracts.

"Monday

0800 hrs Monday - an inspection of the ground & hinterland revealed evidence of a mole infestation of epidemic proportions.

The last time I saw anything like this was in the 'Nam' - and I don't need to remind you that Charlie won that one!

I needed to get on a level playing field to make a true appraisal of the situation so, after a trip to Angouleme for some R&R, me and the family flattened all of the molehills in the garden. At least then I could see where Charlie was active. Oh yeah, I also needed Napalm, but there was none in the shed, so the next best thing was 'Hank Hills Mower'.

I concentrated efforts on the area south of the copse, setting all 3 traps. Don't worry, Charlie hasn't learnt how to use these yet, so you should be quite safe.

Tuesday

Tuesday morning revealed that two of the three traps had been disturbed- Charlie had back filled earth into one end of the trap. I am uncertain if this is his way of taking the piss or whether the digging leaves loose soil in the run that needs to be moved.

No moles caught on Tuesday - although it is evident that Charlie is present in area Z - some molehills have been resurrected - I have even stood and watched Charlie digging out - It's strange but you can't actually see him, just the earth moving.

Wed morning

As I walked through area Z I noticed some movement, and a little nose peeking out - it was Charlie . I went for the fork, but by the time I got back, he had gone!

Observation

My advice to you Keith is this

1 - Stamp molehills down daily. This allows you to observe areas of activity accurately
2 - Always carry the garden fork, you might catch Charlie on spec, and be able to 'fork him'.
3 - Check traps at either end of the day
4 - Experiment - Charlie can be beaten - dig a few holes yourself

I think the next thing is poison - I haven't a clue how many moles you have but, judging by the activity, it's between 3 and 1 million.

5 - Get the airforce to Napalm the garden ( first thing in the morning cos I love the smell, etc, etc ) "

The horror, the horror!